speechless

close friends of mine will know that i have little confidence in love. i dont believe in happily ever after. it is just a fairytale to hide the ugly truth from the innocent and pure heart. it could be my skeptical view that make me feel disgusted easily by anyone who stamps on love.

first, it is the drama at home. sadly, i am half happy that i am away from the shouting and fighting. but i am worried for the ones whom i really loved. please stay strong and be well. 5 more months to go and i will be both physically and mentally there.

things are taking a turn in my second home now. initially i thought it could be due to common interests so they are able to connect and click. i believe that the opposite sex can be good friends but there must be a line when both parties have the special someone waiting back home. i hate it when people gets cliquish and conveniently excludes everyone else in their own little world. hello! there are other people sharing the same breathing space as you, so would you please not pretend that the others do not exist at all? you are making it seem like there is something going on between you 2. when one feels that way, it could be one is too sensitive. if everyone is thinking of the same thing, shouldnt you stand back and reflect what you have been doing?

i felt so disgusted and uncomfortable to be in the same room as you 2. all i wanted to do is to hurry finish up whatever i want to do and scram. i was holding onto my last breath of air, swimming fanatically to the surface before i suffocate of "exclusiveness". seriously, think about what the other half will think if they saw this. put yourself into their shoes and re-consider what the hell do you want and are you doing?

24 hours

it has been quite a while since i can slow down and enjoy a quiet night all by myself.

i have been travelling on all weekends since bf and goi came to usa. first big sur, then vegas. i am so glad that i finally have a day off today, although it is not considered as lone time. the bottom line is i need to stop and take a breather.

24 hours do not seem enough for me now. 6 more months to go and i will be back in sunny island but it seems like there are a lot more things that i want to do, go and play before facing the harsh reality back home. the harry potter world, disneyworld, death valley, east coast trip, new orleans, thanksgiving, christmas. so many things to plan for but so little time left. for sure, i know the mad rush is killing me softly.

i wish for more quiet nights like this.

moving to the house

finally today is the day we are going to move into the new house. we have received the keys a few days ago but i was not excited at all. i am not too sure why. maybe cos i have not physically moved in yet. it is just a normal practice to get my keys from the landlady after we signed the agreement. that also means i need to start packing again! my dear friends will know how much i detest packing. that is not all. i need to unpack, sort them out and arrange them. the clothes arent the worst part. there are furniture, cleaning and grocery shopping to do again! argh! when can this nonsense end? i want to hurry travel around USA!

one piece of good news. i passed the driving theory test today, this morning. hahaha. the paper was easy, much easier than the one back home. my practical test is at the end of apr. oh wells, it is time to practice more on the road. afterall the test is going to test me on my practical skills. so stop driving within enclosed, safe, secure private compounds. yeah to that!

so one item checked and half an item done on my list. car car car! please let us/me find a suitable car soon.

settling down at sunny california

hello sunny singapore. i am adapting pretty well here at oceanside, california. the people are great, a fun bunch of people to stay with. i guess it is still too early to make a judgement because we are staying at separate single rooms now. when there is more interactions among us in the one big house, hopefully conflicts will be minimized.

i dont feel homesick yet but i definitely miss him, hanging out drinking and lomo with friends and the food. OMG! i do not know how to describe the food here. no worries! i am eating fine and always wanting to cook at the hotel now.

my friends in the group do not play with lomo. a few seem interested to find out why i am holding onto a plastic toy camera. but i am proud to say i am the only lomo fan in the group. sometimes, i feel quite paiseh to take the lomo shots in usa cos i am the only one. my dear lomo friends, i hope u can understand this. the weird stares we get from people. it feels a lot more comfortable when a group of lomographers go shooting together. oh wells, i cant wait to go to the lomo shop at LA.

i miss him. :( i dont think i need to write much about this. but i really do miss him. aug, please come quickly!

so long goodbye

with a heavy heart, i bid good bye to confused weather Singapore and hello to sunny California.

i know my sister and parents, especially my mum, are worried for me. afterall, this is my first long trip away from home. dont worry! i will take good care of myself.

i cant bear to leave him in Singapore too. :( how i wished i can pack him in my limited space luggage and carry him to usa with me. i want to be by his side. if "you" happen to be reading this, i just want to tell you that i will miss you and stay strong. wait for me okay!

lastly, to my wonderful brunch of friends, THANK YOU for all your love!! you guys do take care and ask him out okay? hahaha.

next entry, california!

never again

i have never felt like this before. i know it is not life threatening but it really pains my heart to see her suffering. i dont know if it is really not painful at all or she was just faking it to make us feel better. please tell me if it is really hurting. i want to share your pain and burden.

i totally regretted not knowing more stuff. i had totally neglected her complaints and concluded everything to be because she is getting old. i never bother to take her concerns a step further to find out what was really wrong. the signs were all there but i chose to ignore. what is the point of studying and getting a honours degree when i cant even protect her.

it really pains my heart to see her leg now. i know it is not a life threatening condition but i dont want to experience this feeling anymore.

i suddenly feel that i am a selfish daughter and girlfriend. how can i leave my old parents here in singapore for a year, while i go for this once in a lifetime overseas experience? how can i ask him to wait for me for a year?

i feel selfish.

yet another last tuition and 24th birthday

time check. 12 more days to go before i am off to oceanside, living my california dream.

i had recently ended another tuition with this super nice girl. i had only taught her for a year so i did not feel anything when the lesson ended. i was surprised that she had prepared a gift for me and was really touched by this simple appreciative gesture of hers. reading the letter she had penned brought all the emotions to tears.

she asked me why must i leave? secretly i have been asking myself this a few times recently. the legal documents had been signed and there is no way backing up now. i am starting to miss the familiar faces i see everyday for the past few months in the new and flexible HP working environment. i am starting to appreciate my parents a lot more. i am also missing him now.

i really appreciate the hardwork that he had done to try to spend as much quality time with me for the past few days. the cupcake themed birthday celebration with lovely bears cupcakes and cupcake birthday cake. thanks dear for the wonderful cupcake bash! =)

one year older now, time to be wiser. to start off, start packing!!!!

first hand account of discrimination

i have always appreciated and loved the beauty of singapore. but today, i felt super super very extremely unjustified.

so i failed. i had made all the mistakes that i do not make on usual normal lessons. i dont know what had happened. many said it must be my nerves. some said they just hate private candidates. oh well, i am actually okay with the fact that i failed because i screwed up. yes, i had accepted the fact.

what i cannot come to terms with is the fact that the tester's supervisors did not even bother to attend or help me with my little small appeal to have an earlier retest day. hey, if i want to have a retest soon, does not it show that i am sincere and willing to learn? i do have valid reason for my appeal. i am flying off to usa for a year on the 12 feb and the earliest available test date is at the end of feb. yes, i do understand that i can continue my learning when i am back in spore. but why bother to start everything all over again when they are fresh in my mind still. fuck.

what pissed me off was the first question he asked me was whether i was a school or private candidate. immediately after my reply, it was a no no no to every single question and appeal that i made. i told my instructor and he also felt the same way too. he said did u show him the official document that states you are flying off for job training on 12 feb? oh well, he did not even bother to ask me for it. he claimed it is personal so i need to settle on my own. thanks ah. if u are willingly to pay for the damages and losses incurred due to the delay, i am pretty fine with it. did he look at his records to see if he can free a slot for u because the book will contain all the free days but not all will be released online? no, he kept saying no no no.

if that is the way how school vs private candidate works, i am so ashamed to be a sporean. why would such discrimination exist here? this is an OBVIOUS case of biasness and the school still claims that school and private candidates are treated fairly. fair my foot.

i am just being prideful over this whole thing now. i am fine that i failed and there is a high chance that i have to take the driving test in usa. but i cannot accept the fact that i am deprived of the chance for my appeal to go through just because i am a private candidate. come on, let's be fair for once and let my voices be heard. damn you school.

you should not be tearing

heart secretly dipping in blood.

highest passing rate

out of curiosity i went to look at my private driving instructor passing rate at the traffic police website. he has the highest passing rate among all the instructors at bbdc. why am i not surprised?

which side are you on?

The fight between structured and practicability has always been a struggle for me.

I was having one of the better driving classes last Saturday. My instructor was telling me how screwed up it is to test students on parking into car lots without the aid of the poles. They were there for a reason to resemble the headlights of the car next to the lot. And now they are gone and replaced with curbs. How often can you have a car lot with curbs surrounding its perimeter?

School has structured the training syllabus but the element to simulate the real-world is often missing. Feedback and letters have been sent in to make it better but they are fallen on deaf ears. Do you call resistance stubborn or resolute?

last tuition

After I entered university, I wanted to be as much as possible, financially independent. So I took up private tuition.

I started tutoring this kid at the end of his secondary 2. He is definitely not an easy kid to tutor. First, his math fundamentals were weak. His concepts were wrong. So basically I had to start everything all over again from scratch. However, this was not the toughest part. He rarely completed my homework and would give 1001 excuses for not doing it. He was one restless kid who couldn’t concentrate for one full 1.5 hour.

Yesterday was my last lesson with him. And I finally truly understand the meaning of “rewarding” when you asked a passionate teacher “why teaching”? A simple and short SMS to thank you for my effort, time, sweat and tears for the past years tutoring him means a lot to me. The smile on his face when he knew his answers for the big O paper were correct was comforting. I admit the tutoring process is torturous on some days, but on certain working days, I was looking forward to it after a long and meaningless day at work.

So to all out there, stop your work for a second and tell someone how much you appreciate his/her work. It takes seconds to do it, but it means the whole world to them.

headache at work

Life is cruel because it refuses to give us balance. We don’t have exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night. So, like all great humans in history, we strive to have balance within ourselves. Here comes all the talk about yin and yang to find inner peace. Seriously, is it too much to ask for a balance?

I had a girls’ night out recently. Fang and pee were saying they are having work overload syndrome that they could hardly breathe at work. That’s when they treasure any time they can find out of the office to chill and relax.

I feel ashamed of myself. I am not too sure if it is because of the nature of this month or the job. There is minimum production going on in the line to the extent I had a headache for staring at the laptop screen the whole day. There is 1 big thing I need to do at work but it is not within my control. I have to wait for person A to reply to me to discuss with person B to make a decision. This is the long and tedious cycle for response among different parties. Furthermore, how can I forget the time wasting consuming morning meetings I have? Here, here, you have an unmotivated worker blogging.

Where is the work-life balance I am looking for? There is no work in my life and my life has too little time to play. Some people may not find any fault with this because the company is basically paying me for doing nothing. But my close friends will know I cannot stand this. I feel like I am wasting my time away. 9 hours away in this small prison cell somewhere at depot road, living in misery. I could have done something more during these 9 hours than sitting by desk trying to figure out ways to kill time.

I need a balance, probably yoga is next.

wise words

a person of habits once told me this. don't give yourself a dead sentence before you are confirmed guilty.

so i replied, "Just give me 4 tubs and bnj ice cream with 2 peanut butter cup cups. Probably it will sweeten up my day a little."

:)

wanting it is not enough

i am dying to receive the call from edb.

i have been on this job for about 3 months and i am already thinking of changing job? you must be raising your eyebrows, questioning me. that is the response i got from a 16 years old boy when i told him i just went for an interview. oh wells, there are just some things in life that cannot be explained.

i am just excited to be selected for the final round. i cant exact say it is a dream come true for me especially when i still do not know the stings attached to this binding contract. but on the surface, everything looks good to me. who does not want 1 year of overseas training? if everything goes well ideally, assuming that my performance was fantastic, my skills are in demand after my training and i love what i am doing, i will have a job waiting for me after the 1 year. so it is job security for 2 years.

hold your horses first! i dont even know if i am one of the 18 selected yet. i was told i would be receiving the call this week. i am not going to leave my handphone anywhere 1 m away from me. i want to be able to see it. i want to hear it when it rings. i am crossing my fingers, praying that i will be called up soon.

once again, i promise i will be a good girl.

i want that little something

something is missing.
i want to find it back.

all you need is a hero

when dust sets, you cry for the ones you have lost.
you can never look back now.
the only path is to move forward.
but where to?
when all hopes are dying,
the future is bleak.
you wish for a miracle
and he brought the people to unite.

in some stages of our lives, we just need a hero to tell us we are the best. never lose sight of him because we need to keep this positive energy going.

and i just fell in love with history all over again.

it's a bliss

it is a bliss to be doing something you like and enjoy. i want to know how that feels.

how rude can you get?

there is always a reason for something. i dont like to travel on public transport during peak hours but it is inevitable now. it is not that i hate to squeeze with people. i hate seeing the ugly side of singaporeans more.

excuse me and thank you. these 2 simple and short phases are what our parents taught us when we need to get the attention of someone and show appreciation to others when they help you. they are polite phases. but when you said them together loudly on the packed train while trying to squeeze your way out, they dont sound as good as what they mean. you will ultimately get out what you want but you have unconsciously created an unpleasant trip for the riders. i am not sure if you will be annoyed by this but yes i do!

i am not trying to publicize the courtesy campaign that our government is always trying to push for. i just want to have a pleasant journey during peak hours. and i am sure everyone wants that too.

excited

i am feeling so excited now that i am gonna die. haha. this is a good chance for me to get out of the shithole. so i better prepare myself and score this.